I was a Cutter
by Darren Hembd

My sixteenth year wasn't usual
while the other boys were at football practice
I contemplated suicide

I was a cutter

I didn't have rope, pills, or a gun
so I broke open a safety razor
the pain felt good

I was a cutter

I had to wear long sleeves every day
and when I started on my chest
I had to fail swimming class

I was a cutter

after graduation I couldn't find work
and with my father breathing down my neck
I joined the Army

I was a cutter

during company inspection at the MEPS
everyone saw the scars
I was sent in for a psych evaluation

I was a cutter

the same doctor that admitted me when I was fifteen
sent me home
not even the Army wanted me

I was a cutter

I finally got a job and saw more of the world
enough to keep me from almost pulling the trigger
I was admitted for a month

I was a cutter

I moved on to the tops of my legs
just before I stopped altogether
the pain didn't feel good anymore

I was a cutter

After years of drug and alcohol abuse
I found the right meds and a therapist
now I can say

I was a cutter
now I'm a survivor